Little Jet Set Riding HoodThere was once a wood-cutter and his wife, who had one little boy. He told
everyone that he was very pretty and smart and that if he smiled at girls they
would want to have sex with him because if you start flirting with them until
you're literally talking about what you want to do to each other's body, and
yeah, as you get to know her better just keep up the constant flirting and
you'll be shagging within a week; he could eat the pigs and sow his wild oats,
and pass Mensa exams, so he was very useful to her mother. In the next village
lived his old grandmother, who loved him so much that she made a nice scarlet
hood for him to keep him warm. When the neighbors saw it they called him "Little
Jet Set Riding Hood," and after a time no one ever thought of calling him by any
other name, except some people who unkindly called him "idiot", "dickhead", and
"the ****ing annoying Mensa kid".
One day his mother said to him: "Granny-Steve has been very ill, her shoulders
have disappeared, and she has lost all her hair. Put on your hood and run and
take these meat-cakes that I have made for her." Little Jet Set Riding Hood
started off with his basket on his arm because school always finished early for
him on Wednesdays, and soon came to a wood that lay between the two villages of
PlayNOW and Gamenation. Just then a wolf, who was passing, saw Jet Set Riding
Hood and said: "Where are you going, Jet Set Riding Hood?"
"I am going to sea my grandmother, Mr. Syama," answered the little boy.
"'See' not 'sea'" said Vision.
"Where does she live? - Syama Wolf." asked the wolf.
"Oh, she lives in the villiage of Gamenation, in the first cottage past yonder
mill, the one made out of old Saturns that she had kept in her garage. She is
very ill, so I am taking her these sweet meat-cakes which my mother has made for
her."
"If she is so ill, I will go and see her too, perhaps it is her crap TV that is
causing the illness - Syama Wolf. I will go this way, and go you through the
wood, and we will see who gets there first."
So saying, he shambled off, and then ran all the way to the cottage, which was
surprising that he had the energy given that he hadn't eaten meat since becoming
a vegetarian 15 years ago.
Tap, tap--he knocked at the cottage door.
"Who is their?" asked grandmother Steve.
"'There' not 'their'" said Vision.
"It is I, Little Jet Set Riding Hood; - Jet Set Riding Hood. I have brought you
nice fresh cakes and a decent TV. FACT!"
"Pull the bobbin and the latch will lift up," called out the grand mother.
"But the latch makes a really annoying sound whenever I try to use it" said the
wolf.
"Oh, it must be a bug in the current release of the door. Just turn the volume
down and you should be able to use the latch."
And the wolf entered the cottage. He ate up the poor grandmother, put on her
nightgown and pulled her nightcap (which had been hiding a nasty receding
hairline) right over his ugly rough head, and got into bed. "The old lady was
tough," he said, "but the little boy will be a delicate morsel."
But little Jet Set Riding Hood lingered on in the wood. It was so bright there;
the birds sang merrily in the trees, he tried smiling at the birds but that
didn't work, and the brook chattered to itself as it ran down to help the mill
do its work. Every thing was full of life. He chased the dainty Gamecube games,
and then gathered a posy for his old grandmother, who could not get out and see
the Spring flowers grow. At last, tired with his play, he set off to reach his
grandmother's cottage.
He knocked at the door, and the wolf, softening his voice as much as possible,
called out: "Pull the bobbin, and the latch will go up." Jet Set Riding Hood
opened the door and walked in.
"Put the basket on the table, and come into bed with me," said the wolf, "for I
feel horny." Little Jet Set Riding Hood thought that his grand mother's voice
was very hoarse, but then he remembered that this might be on account of her
cold; and being an obedient boy he got into bed.
"I had sex just 8 hours ago. I don't think I can manage another 15 minute
session" said Jet Set Riding Hood.
"But I saw you posting on an internet forum -Grandmother. You can't have been
having sex then" said Syama the Wolf.
"That was afterwards" said Little Jet Set Riding Hood.
But when he saw the hairy arms, he began to grow frightened.
"What long arms you have, grandmother!"
"The better to hug - Grandmother. you with, my dear."
Then he saw the long ears sticking up out side the nightcap.
"What grate ears you have grandmother! [Edited by Mannequin 11-11-02]"
"'Great' not 'grate'" said Vision.
"The better to hear you - Grandmother. with, my dear."
"What large eyes you have, grandmother!"
"The better to see you with, - Grandmother. my dear."
"What a great big bluetooth you have, grandmother!"
"All the better for sending photos that I took with my new digital camera that is only 20mm thick which I picked up in London via my Sony-Ericsson phone which is much easier to navigate than your phone." said Vision.
"The better to eat you with, my darling," shouted the Syama wolf, and with one
bound he sprang out of bed, and would have gobbled Jet Set Riding Hood right up,
had he not realised that he was about to eat MEAT, and that in fact he had
already eaten MEAT when he consumed old Granny-Steve. This, he realised with a
shock, was much much worse than merely preparing meat in his kitchen. The Syama
wolf ran screaming out of the cottage.
Little Jet Set Riding Hood was very much frighteded, but not hurt. Ever since
that day he has never been allowed to go to Gamenation or #playnow, again.
[This message has been edited by Prince Underpants (edited 15-11-2002).]
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